Why We Self-Sabotage — and How to Finally Break the Cycle
If you’ve ever set a big goal, started making real progress…Only to pull back, stall, or find yourself distracted by a million little things — you’re not alone. You’re also not broken.
For years, I thought maybe I was. I’d get so close to success — a promotion, an opportunity, a dream project — and then somehow I’d shrink. I’d procrastinate. I’d convince myself I wasn’t quite ready.
Sound familiar?
It wasn’t because I was lazy.
It wasn’t because I didn’t want it.
It was because I didn’t understand the real roots of self-sabotage.
The Truth About Self-Sabotage
Here’s the truth most people don’t realize: Self-sabotage is not bad behavior. It’s not poor discipline. It’s protection.
It’s your brain’s way of saying, “Whoa, hold on. This feels risky. Are we sure we’re going to be safe if we do this?”
And that instinct — that protection mode — usually got programmed a long, long time ago.
When we’re kids, our brains are wired for survival first, not success.
If standing out in your family wasn’t safe…
If failing meant facing shame or rejection…
If trying too hard made you “too much” for the people around you…
Then your subconscious mind learned something very powerful: Better to stay small than to risk being hurt.
According to research in developmental psychology, childhood experiences deeply shape our internal narratives (Siegel, 2012). When we internalise shame, fear, or criticism, our brain encodes it as a protective mechanism — even if it limits us later.
So as adults, even though we consciously want growth, success, and visibility… Our nervous system is still wired to keep us safe.
It’s why you might dream of launching a business — but find yourself “too busy” to ever start.
It’s why you might crave recognition — but freeze when it’s your turn to speak up.
It’s not laziness.
It’s survival.
And until you see it clearly, it will keep running the show.
How Self-Sabotage Shows Up
Here’s a personal example. When I first started speaking publicly about confidence and imposter syndrome, I was terrified. Not because I didn’t know my stuff — I’d spent 25 years studying storytelling, narrative therapy, NLP, and neuroscience – but because some old script inside me still whispered:
“If you shine too brightly, you’ll be attacked.”
“If you stand out, you’ll get hurt.”
Even though adult Monique wanted to empower people, childhood Monique still remembered what it felt like to be bullied, criticised, mocked and misunderstood. That subconscious programming didn’t just disappear because I wanted it to. It had to be rewritten — intentionally, lovingly, persistently.
(And that’s exactly why I created the StorySHIFT Method — but more on that another time.)
Naming the Fear Changes Everything
The biggest shift happened when I stopped beating myself up… And started getting curious instead.
Instead of thinking,
“Why am I like this? What’s wrong with me?”
I started asking,
“What am I afraid might happen if I succeed?”
That question cracked everything open.
Because self-sabotage isn’t about laziness or procrastination — it’s about fear.
Psychologists call this approach-avoidance conflict (Lewin, 1935): We consciously want a goal (approach), but unconsciously fear it (avoidance). Our mind pulls us in two directions at once — forward toward our dreams, and backward toward familiar safety.
Understanding that helped me meet my resistance with compassion, not judgment, and that compassion created space for real change.
How to Break the Cycle (For Real)
So if you’re tired of pulling back every time you get close to breakthrough…
Here’s the real work — the good work.
Notice the Pattern (Without Shame).
The moment you feel yourself stalling, shrinking, delaying — pause.
Don’t shame yourself. Curiosity over criticism, always.
“There’s that old pattern. I see you.”Name the Fear Beneath the Surface.
Ask yourself:
“What am I afraid might happen if I succeed?”
Is it fear of judgment? Rejection? Loss of relationships? Responsibility?
Name it. Because what you can name, you can reframe.Rewrite the Story.
Instead of asking, “What if I fail?”
Start asking, “What if this is exactly what I was built for?”
Neuroscience shows that repeated thoughts and self-talk literally rewire your brain through neuroplasticity (Doidge, 2007). Every time you choose the new story over the old fear, you are training your mind to believe it’s safe to expand.
The Real Shift: Identity
Here’s what I know after two decades of personal experience and working with thousands of people: You don’t “achieve” your way out of self-sabotage. You outgrow it.
You outgrow the identity that says you have to play small.
You step into the identity that says, “I am capable. I am ready. I am strong enough to handle this.”
That’s how you stop self-sabotage: Not by being tougher on yourself — but by being more honest.
More compassionate. More aligned with who you’re truly becoming.
Because here’s the truth:
You’re not broken. You’re not a failure.
You’re evolving.
And this resistance you’re feeling? It’s not a flaw. It’s a sign that you’re stepping into bigger territory — into a version of yourself that isn’t ruled by old survival strategies, but led by clarity, courage, and conviction. And that is the beginning of everything you’ve been working for.
